Two people I know (through a good friend), and of whom I am fond, just informed me that they are going to try to work things out. They were together in a serious relationship for years, which ended up in a breakup (though not mutual, from what I’ve heard). I am aware of some of the issues they had which led to the dissolving of their relationship. I often wondered if with just a bit more effort to overcome these issues, if they would have ever ended their (what seemed to be great) relationship in the first place? For a while they kept in contact as friends, and then each decided to move on in their own ways and with other people. Last year, fate seemed to have brought them back into contact with one another, and again they found themselves spending some time together as friends and enjoying one another’s company once again. Now it seems that both have agreed to give one last stab at trying to rekindle the feelings that had originally brought them together. Though there is obvious apprehension, possible unresolved issues and the fact that one party is bringing more emotion to the table - this is what they have chosen to do. Though not lacking in physical attraction, it seems what is lacking is the emotional connection they once knew. Can they find it again? In order to find out they decided on an intriguing plan. In order to determine whether their new “relationship” is solely based on the physical or not, they have decided not to have sex for a while. Since sex tends to “cloud the mind”, they decided to take it out of the equation and get to know each other again on a different level. Just like when they first starting dating, they didn’t hit the sack right away but enjoyed each other and learned about one another in other ways. I don’t know if I could do it, but I understand where they are coming from and it makes sense. These guys are terrific individuals and I (and all our mutual friends) always thought they were a lovely couple and meant for one another. Let’s hope so. Time will tell….Good luck and thanks for letting me blog about this M….I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed for you!!!!
16 comments:
I have so much to say on this topic. I feel for your friend. You neglected to mention how long this couple was together for and how long they were apart for.
Personally, I've always been a "once it's over, it's over" kind of gal. And then I meet people who break up over silly stuff and then get back together and then break up again and then get married and are happily ever after. And then I meet people who just can't move on ... I wrote an article that was shortlisted about this for a magazine. I call it obsessive love and Lordy I been there. But I don't think that's what is happening here but it's an interesting sidebar.
I can't speak from experience because in all my relationships except for one, I was always the one who walked away when I found I wasn't getting what I wanted or, in the case of someone you actually know, when I realized we both were very different people who just were better off as friends, so I don't know really what it's like to have to try to rekindle something.
I'm not sure about removing intimacy from the equation. From my own experience that DOES NOT work. For me, I had to just go or else we were going to wind up naked in some hotel somewhere with him crying about how he can't understand why I don't love him. Sigh. I wrote about him today from a diary entry.
My mom, who is a diehard romantic, has a saying that if two people are meant to be, their paths will cross again.
For me, that never worked.
Interesting blog post, Bean. I usually refrain from writing about this kind of stuff since I'm married and really, the only way I can write about this stuff is to go back and pull stuff out of diaries.
But can I say something else? I hope M. realizes that she/he can't put a timestamp on love. It's there or it isn't. No different than a war bride. No different from when a soldier comes home.
When you mentioned that other people have been involved in the dissemination of their relationship, alarm bells went off. I don't know anyone who can get past that and it sounds like these two friends of yours have a lot of work ahead of them. And what's really sad is a relationship should never be "worked" at.
All the best to M.
- Gigs.
Hi. I usually surf over once a while as I follow the desserts off the gigababy blog.
I have to disagree with Gigs on the timestamp angle or even at the comment that a relationship should never be worked at. It's not always roses and sometimes you have to try to work stuff out as the relationship grows and hits bumps along the way.
My hubby Brad and I never split up but we've been apart. In that time we didn't see other people. But that's where I have to agree with Gigs. If there have been other people involved, then this becomes one explosive powder keg of resentment.
A breakup doesn't always have to be for good but we're not talking about going back and holding hands here. Once you add sex to the equation, that's easier said than done.
Why are your friends apart in the first place if it was all rosy? Who leaves a relationship where it sounded like it had a lot of promise?
Did someone cheat?
I'm reading like someone cheated.
I say move on. Your friend doesn't need an asshole who can't commit.
Word.
- Elaine
Thanks for the comments! Actually Elaine, no one cheated. And I do agree, there is a lot of "work" that needs to go into a relationship. As I put it, it blooms a rose garden at the start, but the flowers do need grooming, fertilizing, pruning. They won't stay beautiful if they are not attended to. True, Gigs, love is either there or not, but I can't believe that love can just disappear into mid-air. If there was love once, I feel that love can exist again (as long as one party didn't abuse the other or cheat etc).
Bean,
If that was true, I shouldn't be married to Chad but to someone else from 13 years ago.
There's a lot more to make a relationship work than just love.
I don't see how someone can just love someone again. You don't believe someone can fall out of love? I did.
This is an explosive topic which is why I commend you for bringing it up.
I had someone say to me once that they would always love me no matter what despite me having moved on, gotten married etc ...
I can't imagine being with him tho I would have done anything for him at one time.
Having said that I really don't think I could make myself love him or that love could just magically reappear for me for him.
I don't doubt that he'd take me back but it's done.
There were issues with his family I will never get past especially with stuff his grandmother said about me, all lies. Plus his mom didn't like me. It's no fun being in a house at Thanksgiving where you're not welcomed. Trust me on that one. Even now I have some family drama that has tested my marriage but I wouldn't leave Chad over it but I can do without a certain person meddling in our affairs. Long story. I told her off. She ignores me now. Causes Chad great anxiety that we can't get along but at least she lives far away.
As for ex with the grandma, when you have a whole family that dislikes you because they think you're white trash or latching on because Grandma is going to leave a fortune when she dies, I can do without that B.S. Thank you very much. And the bloody kicker?!!!
If he "loved me" as much as he said he did he would have stood up to his Grandma and defended me or ask to be cut out of the will but he didn't so you tell me what happened there.
I'm sorry if I'm venting but I'm not a hopeless romantic, never have been. If it's love, it would have never disappeared. You can't drag someone kicking and screaming back onto a rollercoaster that they couldn't wait to get off of. That's how I felt with SC.
I'd never go back despite all the emails that trickle in from time to time from him.
Never.
Boy do I like these followup emails.
Wow. Cindy, there's a blog post right there.
Family drama is huge. Did you read Poppy's blog about that?
http://just-another-day-in-the-life.blogspot.com/2008/01/why-christmas-sucked-at-my-house.html
Not to distract from The Bean's original post but you can't have love without harmony.
As for love disappearing in mid-air. Of course that happens. Why do we have people who are divorced?
Stress. All I can think of is stress.
If there is stress in a relationship that stems from work, friendships or family, that relationship is doomed but what we have here with Bean's friends sounds like more of a crossroads really. One wants to walk another way and the other wants him/her to walk down the same path.
For me, love is or it isn't.
Keep us posted.
This is what soap operas are made of. This and every 90210 episode. Glory days!
As a non typical woman, if you've cried more than you've laughed with a person you supposedly love, it's time to hit the road.
Love shouldn't be a soap opera and I hated 90210.
Women have had it drummed in their heads that love is supposed to be complicated when in fact that is so not true. I don't believe in love taking "work". Love needs to grow. The end.
I agree and disagree with both of you...keep 'em comments coming! I'm on a roll. Everyone's circumstance is different so it is really hard to just put things out in black and white. Love can diminish over time when there are issues that seem to be overbearing. Family stress - I hear you! Been there!
However, like I said the relationship sounds to have been pretty sound - I think one party just gave up because they felt the issues were too big to resolve. Time has passed so who knows? Things change, people change. I'll let you know!
I tried to post this yesterday.
I wrote this years ago. It's a feature article about love, obsessive love and breaking up.
It addresses some of the points I made. I don't think all problems can be solved just because two people love each other. That's just not realistic. Sometimes problems can be bigger than two people can swallow.
http://www.gigababy.com/docs/ObsLovebyCVSmith95.pdf
Damn you, pheromones!
So I busted my ass trying to read all this during my twenty minute break and I know it's gonna take me another 20 minutes to hammer out a reply.
As a gay man that is very wise and in tune with women and love and all that other stuff that comes with hearts and dreams ...
Love is not a switch. You can't just turn it off.
Now having said that, someone needs to take off the rose coloured glasses over at the other blog. No one falls out of love ... what happens is the motivation and the drive to go forward is replaced by something else. We don't know what this is but I'm gonna go with Elaine on a "stress". Gordon touched on it as well. If the stress that led to the dissolve of the committment for person A despite attempts or maybe lack of attempts of person B to fix it, you can't have love without desire. They go hand and hand. And that desire my friends is called commitment. If there is no comitment to continue, the person who chose to walk can't just make that reappear if the "stress" is still there.
Now this stress can be anything ...
family (and I sure as hells know you can't pick your family)
money
living arrangements
money
in laws
friends
work
kids
BAGGAGE
different goals
money
kids from previous relationships
affairs
money
sex
Did I say money? I think I may have missed that one.
Relationships are more than just gardens and crap. If there are slugs eating the tomato plants, it's not going to be very nice garden is it.
Forget about the gardening metaphors. One can learn a lot from how a marriage will be by looking at family dynamics. So Ms. Bean, take a look at M.'s family dynamics. Are the parents still together? Both sides? Are the children independent of the parents? Both sides? Have your friends look at the marriage of their parents. That should give them a heads up.
Now, I have some watering to do.
My apologies Ms. Bean for the copy pasta move from Gigababy Buffet.
Kisses.
Dear Ms. Bean.
No. It won't.
Been there.
Sorry.
Gigababy - LOVED the article..makes a lot of sense and I can personally relate to some of it too. You have a REAL talent for writing. Thanks for sharing :)
Hey Jeff, thanks for your comments. As for family dynamics for both parties - out of the ordinary - both parents still married, no divorces or anything.
Yes, I believe it was all the stresses that caused one party to finally give up and lose that "loving feeling" along the way. You are witty - I like that! :)
Witty? That's all?
What about hey, you're awesome; a fountain of wisdom? mmm.
Post a Comment